Light and Shadow: Harness Your Complete Identity
Light and Shadow — the dance between calm and collected vs fuck around and find out. Your complete identity requires you to understand both of these mental states because each can serve you in different ways and ultimately help you engage in deeper more meaningful relationships. Furthermore, if you want to be your complete, most authentic self you must learn how you see the world in both of these states and harness the ability to use their power.
Each of us has a light inside of us: it’s calm, cool and resound. It allows us to listen, love, be compassionate and hold space for others. It’s the Bruce Banner of our personalities — the nice guy. This light, for most people, is what makes us socially acceptable. It is our perceived “best side” and is typically the one we show the most in order to be liked and accepted. This light is usually widespread, like that of a lighthouse, which focuses on a broad spectrum of ideas, feelings, and thoughts. Those who have learned to make this light a laser, can harness a more focal and powerful intention around its use. This makes for great outcomes in business and relationships as get very intentional about what we are doing and how our actions directly feed into a greater goal.
Contrary to the light, each of us has a shadow or a Hulk opposite our Bruce Banner. This doesn’t mean that we are angry or aggressive per se— rather, this shadow presents as a protector, a trailblazer and a person that stands up strong in the face of confrontation. They’re a leader, a fighter for their values and beliefs, and a giant in stature. Although, there are people who lack the ability to control this power and can often feel chaotic to others — similar to a crazed Hulk Smash we see in the comics and movies. They may come across as easily angered, bitchy or assholes. The shadow exists as part of the unconscious mind and is composed of repressed ideas, perceived weaknesses, unmet desires, and powerful instincts.
We’re going to break down the shadow and how it can be used for us to find our complete self. By identifying it, losing our guilt, shame, and insecurity about it — will allow us to become a more genuine, authentic version of ourselves. Would you rather be a good person or a complete person? We will address this statement as we go along. For the purpose of this blog, I will be talking to the men (don’t stop reading ladies) because as a male I can speak directly about our struggles with the shadow, BUT— ladies, stick around because having a better understanding of how men are both Bruce Banner and the Hulk will help you speak to him, support him, and aid your ability to connect with his full identity. The more you try and suppress his shadow, the more you will suppress his light. You can not have one emotion without the other — what is love if you don’t also know hate? Here’s some “man-splaining” for you.
The Shadow
Carl Jung was the first to speak about the shadow. He believed that the shadow was the part of our personality that we would rather not be — but, if we integrated the shadow as a PART of our whole, it would have a profound affect on our spiritual life.
This day and age the Hulk in men I’m referring to is often referred to as “toxic masculinity.” This has caused so many men to suppress who they are in totality because they don’t want to be called violent, aggressive, or feel outcasted. The effect of this — men aren’t able to be their complete self and so they spiral into a repressed state. They feel judged for being masculine and therefore, present as half of their true selves. This is actually a less stable place for men. As men we need to harness and develop both our light and our shadow.
The shadow often becomes suppressed due to our attempts to adapt to cultural norms and expectations. We feel guilty for being angry. We feel shameful for being an asshole. We shouldn’t teach our young sons to be angry. We believe these aspects of our personalities are not acceptable to our friends, family, colleagues or ourselves; therefore, we believe that we’re unloveable, unworthy, underserving and there is something wrong with us. Anytime we feel angry or frustrated we have to find a place where no one can witness us lose it — a scream in the car, a round on the punching bag, or an hour at the gym — but whatever we do, don’t let anyone know what is boiling inside of us for fear of being toxic.
Instead of suppressing that shadow we need to unconceal, own and embrace the very things we are most afraid of facing. We must acknowledge that this quality belongs to us. The shadow holds the secret of change — it holds the essence of who we are and potentially our greatest gifts. As long as we continue to hide what is inside we have no freedom to be or freedom to choose. The shadow exists to teach us and guide us about our true selves. The shadow is only harmful when it is further suppressed.
The Darkness in the Shadow
When the shadow has been pushed down and ignored for longer periods of time, it may come out as overly aggressive. These are people that appear to be easily angered, frustrated, and can become violent. They’re the ones we often walk on egg shells around because no one wants to see them get angry and go off. Each of us has one of these in our family — you’re thinking about this person and how much you dread being around them during the holidays right now.
Also, gentlemen, if you’re constantly bringing chaos and drama any time you go anywhere in public because you have zero emotional intelligence, it is NOT your ladies’ responsibility to be your peace. I get so tired of hearing this on social media platforms — peace for you does not come at the expense of someone else’s. You have anger issues due to unhealed wounds — this is not your shadow.
Even worse than the than overly aggressive man who is constantly angry (at least he is predictable) is the man who is constantly showing his light and has been unable (due to societal or relationship restrictions) to be in his shadow. We often hear about these men on the news — “I don’t know what happened. He was always such a nice, gentle person. I can’t believe he would do something like this.”
The man had no record, no history of violence, but what he did have was an internal history of suppressing himself. He was unable to fully be himself for fear of judgement and when the pot boiled hot enough from always feeling like he had to be the nice guy — boom. The light that was constantly being shown by this individual burned out and the dark that had been ignored for so long poured out. Ladies, if you are forcing your man to constantly uphold a standard you perceive to the best qualities, you will eventually suffer the consequences of that in time.
It takes large amounts of emotional intelligence to be able to be in control of feelings, actions, and emotions. It becomes even harder to do when we suppress and push them down in favor of more “acceptable emotions.”
Childhood/Adolescence
When we are born, we come with a complete, healthy emotional system — we love and accept ourselves when we are born. We express ourselves freely and live in the moment. We don’t make judgements about which parts of us are good and which parts of us are bad. If we’re angry we stomp our feet and scream. If we are sad, we cry. If we are happy with giggle.
As we grow older we begin to learn from the people around us. We are told what is good behavior and what is bad behavior. What are good qualities and what are bad qualities. We are taught:
Accpetance vs rejection
Trust vs fear
Consistency vs inconsistency
Respect vs disrespect
As young men, one of those most damaging things we learn is to, “toughen up.” I’m often appalled still when I hear people teach young men to rub some dirt on it and stop crying because you’re a boy and boys are supposed to be tough. Then we wonder why there are a plethora of emotionally unavailable men. Hmmmm…
Another thing that young boys need is time to rough house and wrestle. This is necessary for the development of young men. Boys, by their nature, are designed to be active, to throw things, to compete, to learn by doing and to explore the world around them even when the world, or at least the adults in it, would like them to slow down. And most importantly, if they can’t sit still, why try to make them? Instead, and rather than trying to correct a boy’s innate desire to move, accept thier high activity levels and provide them with safe and developmentally appropriate opportunities to engage with the world in a physical manner whenever possible.
Parents, I know it is annoying to have a son who can not sit still. I have one myself. We must understand this is part of the natural development of boys. Suppress it and you’re forcing your young man to conceal instead of feel in order to make YOU feel better.
If you restrict this in your young men, this restricts them from living in the moment and keeps them from expressing themselves freely. Its time to revisit the experience of our innocence in our childish behaviors.
Adulthood
As an adult we take what we have learned as children to be acceptable or unacceptable. How many of you men reading this have sold yourselves out to be good or accepted? If you want to be accepted, ya better get rid of those bad qualities.
Are there really good parts and bad parts or does it take all parts to make a whole?
Good/bad
fear/courage
love/hate
We can NOT express one of these emotions without its counterpart. We can not know what it is to be courageous if we don’t also know what it is like to experience fear. All aspects of our shadow personality that are forced to lie dormant will eventually act out if they are not recognized and integrated into our personalities. Fear can cause us to put up walls so thick that we forget who we are in totality. Unfortunately, the root of the majority of that fear is that we will judged by others for being exactly what they are — human.
As we get older, we must realize that spiritually we are all interconnected. We can feel each other’s emotions — we wear them on our faces through redness and tears, we express them with our hand motions, and see them behind someone’s eyes. The quickest way to make a man feel dismissed is when we acknowledge their joy but criticize their pain or use it against them. We are telling them that they are a person only when they are happy and acting the way we expect them to.
How to Use The Shadow
I have often been called an asshole. Not because I am belligerent, but rather because I speak my mind directly without beating around the bush. There are people who appreciate my direct approach and others that would prefer I soften my approach. Guess what? The ones that like that approach are my people. The ones that don’t appreciate it are not.
Do you think that being an asshole has served me well at times? You better believe it. If I’m at my business and one of my customers is being rude to the ladies on my staff — I absolutely will not stand for that and you will feel my shadow. Not in a violent way but in a way that lets the customer know that their behavior is unacceptable and I will NOT tolerate it. What if someone was trying to deliberately con me out of money? Do you think the light side of my personality or the shadow personality would serve me better in that moment to let this person know I’m not messing around.
You can harness your shadow in a way that allows people to know that you are not violent, but if they continue to fuck around, they can find out. The ability to be both enlightened and a badass rounds out the full spectrum of your personality as a male. People like to do business with people that can relate to. How can they relate to you as a man, if you aren’t your true complete self?
The Steps:
Acknowledge its presence
You must heal any psychological wounds that have contributed to shame, guilt, or anger as it relates to your shadow (coach or therapist)
Avoid shaming yourself for your shadow
Be sure to meditate in order to get more in touch with your shadow
Journal what it feels like to be in your shadow
Express it artistically through dancing, painting, drawing, screaming, etc
Start an inner dialogue with it
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
Ladies, Listen Up
It’s already been mentioned that when you suppress any impulse or feeling, you will suppress its polar opposite as well. This means, if you suppress hate, you will suppress love. If you suppress fear, you will suppress courage. You can not have one without the other. If you deny the ugliness you will reduce the beauty. Reduce the greed, you will reduce the generosity.
He’s an asshole. He can be rigid, rude, frustrated at times and unpleasureable to be around. Let me ask you this — do you think being an asshole will serve your relationship at some point? If you were in a parking lot at night and someone attempts to assault you, do you want the asshole inside your man to show up to protect you or the enlightened philosopher who wants to give them a hug? Does this mean he’s going to put you both in danger? Of course not, but what it does mean is that he will stand powerfully in an attempt to keep you both safe.
You must be willing to allow your man or your son to harness this part of his personality so that you can experience him as the full person that he is. If you just want him to be happy go lucky and in his light all the time, eventually you will see that light dim, because he believes that his shadow will be unattractive to you. He will continue to judge that part of him and think that it is ugly and if he shows it you might leave.
Men who have suppressed that shadow long enough will also make you feel unsafe as a woman. You will start to take on a more masculine role in your relationship and believe me, no man likes that shit. Also, When 2 men are deep in their shadows, stay your ass out of the way. There is a time when you need to capture the gaze of your man and be the lullaby that brings him back from Hulk to Bruce Banner, and also there are times when you need to allow the shadow to be the giant that it is. If you are standing there in your masculinity trying to deescalate a situation, you are emasculating your man. A man with an intact understanding of his shadow, does not need you in that moment.
Not only must you understand his love language, you must understand his shadow and when it is desirable for him to use it. As mentioned in the section above, when used appropriately, the shadow can be an instrument of getting shit done, an instrument of protection, and an instrument for good.
Conclusion
You must be capable of being the greatest person you ever admired and the worst person you ever imagined. Make peace with this.
What you can’t be with, won’t let you be. If you wanna be free, you must be able to be your most complete self, but in order to do that we must forgive ourselves for being imperfect and human. Our world is a mirror of our internal selves.
If you can harness your shadow personality, here is what you stand to gain:
more confidence and self-esteem
improved creativity
deeper relationships with others
self-acceptance
discover hidden talents
improved wellness
increased compassion
better clarity
Go be in your light and in your shadow — be your complete authentic self.
Stay Edgy -
Daniel Tribby, ATC, CNP
Co-founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
